Question 1: How can I learn about what’s going on? 

I suppose the “teenager stage” begins at about ten in the U.S. It blossoms early and develops rapidly probably because of so much adult experience—mostly secondhand— from TV, CD’s, mobile devices, social media, Facebook, talk shows and movies.  The average teenager in the U.S. spends over eight hours each day with computer companions, human or not, who pass along information, or misinformation, about life, sex, social skills, and almost everything else.

Listening skills don’t come naturally for most of us, but, with a little practice and extra attention, the skills will help you for the rest of your parenting, and grand parenting years.

Answer 1. Your Teen’s Most Frequent Worry: “What Are You Saying About Me?”

Many people, especially teens, are most interested in themselves. So when the topic of conversation is about them, they are very sensitive and very interested. Their most important part of the conversation will be, “What are you saying about me?” Talks with our teens can go sour immediately when we parents think their mistakes are the most important topics while our teens, first of all, pay attention to any personal evaluation!

Mom: “How was school today, Kathy?”

Kathy: “OK. I was late to my second period class”

Mom:  “Why?”

Kathy: “I was at my locker talking with Jason and thatcombination lock always screws up.”

Mom: “You’re always in such a hurry, you shouldn’t can’t be soeasily distracted.”

Kathy: “Mom, I wasn’t distracted, I was just talking andgot the numbers wrong.”

Mom: “You have to pay attention to what you’re doing.”

Kathy: “Mom, I have to go.”

This moment turns into an argument because the conversation changes from a locker problem and being late to a conversation about Kathy. Mom said Kathy is always in such a hurry, is easily distracted, and should pay attention. Kathy, always vulnerable to negative personal remarks, says “I have to go.”

Let’s give Dad a chance.

“You should have seen what happened in gym today, Dad.”

“What, Donald?”

“Keith got in an argument with Mr. Effort, and they ended up in a real fight!”

“I’m sure it wasn’t much of a fight.” 

“Yes, it was. They were wrestling!”

“I hope you didn’t have anything to do with it.”

“Naw, all I did was cheer.”

“Cheer? Listen, Donald, you’ll end up in trouble right along with Keith! Don’t you have any more sense than to…”

Let’s interrupt Dad here for a moment. Dad criticized his son’s story: (1) he thinks Donald exaggerated because it wasn’t much of a fight, (2) he thinks Donald might have had something to do with it, and (3) he thinks Donald should not have cheered. 

Dad centered the conversation on what he disliked about his son’s behavior instead of the story. All this happened in a 20-second discussion. Donald, like all teens, will resent the way his dad turned his story into a talk about his mistakes. In the future, Donald will offer fewer stories and Dad will get less information.

Dad’s style of continual correction puts Donald on the defensive. Donald only wanted to tell his story for the joy of it, without corrections that lead in other directions. Here’s the first point of possible misunderstanding and conflict. A teen may extract a personal evaluation in less than a sentence. If the signals are negative, up come the defensive reactions before any useful exchange begins.

Let’s back up and give Dad another chance to be more friendly and yet still communicate the possible consequences of the gym class experience to Donald.

Dad’s second chance:

“You should have seen what happened in gym today, Dad.” “What, Donald?”

“Keith got in an argument with Mr. Effort, and they ended up in a real fight!” 

“How did it all start?” (Dad ignores the possible exaggeration, doesn’t express doubt, and shows interest instead.)

“They just started arguing about the exercises, and Keith wouldn’t give in.”

“Hard to win against the teacher.” (Dad’s comment is a general remark about teacher-student relationships and it’s not critical of Donald.)

“Yeah, Keith is in big trouble.”

“Did they ever get around to the exercises?” (Dad shows interest in the story, not just in making points and giving advice.)

“Keith was sent to the office and then we tried these safety belts for the flips. Do you know about those?” “I don’t think we had them in my school.” “Well, they have these ropes…” 

  Donald may have a clearer view of the incident now, and he may understand the hopelessness of Keith’s argumentative attitude. He wasn’t distracted by having to defend himself when he told Dad the story. And now he’s explaining something to his father. Dad’s positive evaluation of Donald comes through in his respect for him and interest in Donald’s story without hijacking the topic. 

Teens are forever on guard to protect their fragile self-confidence. Kathy is on the lookout for Mom’s opinion of her and Donald is on the lookout for Dad’s criticism. We parents sometimes concentrate our efforts on mistakes, but our teens place that in second place, at best.